I have.

Thankful Monday

My mind is racing with thoughts tonight.
So many questions I am pondering.
It is one of those late nights where the idea of my head hitting the pillow is feared, for I know that my thoughts will consume me.

It all started on Friday. My little babe broke out in hives before my eyes after taking the kids swimming. Within minutes, her entire forehead was covered in blotches and her eyes had started to swell. Allergies run strong in our family and I was not willing to take chances with my 6-month-old. We were minutes away from the urgent care, and I rushed over- wet clothes and all.
Me: a mom in a panicked fear, a knowledge that my baby was probably fine, but the nagging "what- if."
The receptionist: calmly and slowly begins handing me form after form. Clickety-clacking away on her keyboard, she momentarily lifted her eyes from the screen to say, oh-so-nonchalantly, "We see babies with rashes all the time..."
This was not a rash. THIS was the potential for a serious problem. THIS was causing my eyes to brim with tears. Didn't she get it? THIS was a BIG DEAL to me. THIS was not ok and I was not ok and my baby was NOT OK. I was handing over some cash for my co-pay. I was paying for it to be a BIG DEAL to someone. Urgent care. Urgent. Didn't she get it? I thought we needed immediate help. I could fill out those forms later. My baby might or might not have had a throat swelling at that very moment. Finally, she understood that the real emergency was that this mamma was about to go ballistic even if the baby was likely fine. She quickly went and got someone to check my babe's oxygen levels, which were fine. The hives seemed to start disappearing as quickly as they came. It may have been luck. It may have not have been an allergic reaction at all. It may have been an answer to my silent pleading prayer. I don't know. I won't ever know, but I was thankful for what it wasn't. I was ridiculously thankful, but I kept letting myself think, "what if?"

Next up, Saturday night. It was my birthday & we took the kids to celebrate with some friends from out-of-town. After feasting on hot bread and pasta, we downed some Krispy Kremes and headed to the friends' hotel to let the kids swim. It was all fun and games until someone got hurt. There were 4 adults. 3 of us close to my 2-year-old, 3 of us who didn't see her step into the deep water. 3 of us who kept chatting while her chubby little feet found the bottom of the pool. It was my husband, the furthest away that noticed her little hands reaching for the surface of the water- literally inches away from me. She was fine. A major scare, but she was fine. I was RIGHT NEXT to her and didn't even see her go under. I didn't even realize she was by me. How did I not see her? What if......?
It became increasingly apparent to me this weekend how much divine help we receive in everything that we do. Not just the extreme situations, but ALL THE TIME. It really only takes a matter of moments for things to change. As I type, I am letting the tears stream, snot run and the lump in my throat grows with each sentence.

Sunday: nothing monumental occurred. A basic Sunday for our household. Church, naps, snacks all day long, and watching the Olympics. My husband and I seemed to both be on edge with each other. As I reflect, I think it probably has to do with the roller coaster of emotions we have felt this weekend and realizing how close we came to having it be a very non-basic Sunday for us. When we do have an argument, it is usually about the same things. I think this is typical for most couples. Today though was different. It was the same tension as always, the same topic. But, somehow, we both just let it go. Without saying anything, we both knew that today just wasn't the day for it.
But now, as my mind is racing, I reflect and realize, is there really ever a day for it? Can't I just let things go? He doesn't always think before he speaks. I over-analyze everything that he says. Can't I just leave it at that? Do I need to be so defensive all the time? There are 3 little someones so much more important than our petty bickering. Wouldn't it be just as easy to "let it go" and just have fun with the kids instead?

It is a good day for a Thankful Monday for me.

There are a few blogs I have discovered in the past few months of families who have experienced the recent loss of a small child. This weekend I became so close to becoming one of these mother's. It is so easy to take for granted what I have............ So easy to be annoyed with the tantrums instead of useing them as a chance to pick up my hysterical daughter and hold her close until she is ready to giggle again. How often do I exasperatedly nurse my babe yet once again in hopes that she will finally take a nap. Wouldn't it be just as easy to turn on some music and dance with her? I expect so much out of my oldest. I have high expectations for him and he gets "the look" all too often. Can't I just remember that he is only 4- and to let him be only 4?
I am so thankful today for these mother's blogs that I have read recently that have shared their loss, their pain, their strength, their joys. (I am requesting their permission to add links, and will add them here)
This weekend has been a TREMENDOUS reminder for me to hold dear to what I have and forget about what I "have not." I have a home. I have a family. I have a tender knowledge that my daughters were protected this weekend. I do not need to wonder "what if?," but "what now?" For me, this is a week to hug a little more, speak a little softer, snuggle a little longer, and forgive a little quicker. My tears have dried up now, and my soft pillow awaits.

What about you? What are you thankful for today that you might usually take for granted?