The Pants
The Shirt
The Problem
I chickened out of sharing my fatness in all of it's bare skinned glory, (at least for today).
Really though, you should probably thank me for that.
My brother hinted he couldn't look at this blog anymore if I did that. For some reason, I think he thinks that seeing his sister's pasty, squishy belly could haunt him. I am totally ok with that. I don't really want him to see my pasty, squishy belly and we can't have the male readership on this blog be cut in half, so it is shirt on. (I am quite willing to bet that my brother and husband are the only males that read this....I am ok with that too.)
Deep breath Camille, deep breath.
I am not exaggerating. This post really has been hard for me. For the beginning of this project, and probably just the beginning, I feel the need to be a little serious.
We see it everywhere- the pressure to fit the mold of the stereotypical "babe." The modern definition of beauty often seems so manufactured and unnatural. Women spend thousands to remake themselves into something that the culture of our society seems to require us to be..... or what we think "they" think we should be.....whoever "they" are.
There comes a point in many of our lives where we finally realize, that this whole idea of manufactured beauty is ridiculous. I really, truly think that I have reached that point- or at least I am getting close. Now, don't get me wrong- next week when I go to my high school reunion, I am sure that I will spend plenty of "prep" time in front of the mirror. When I visit my husband at work, I attempt to ditch that ponytail & even put on a little lip gloss. Even my kids get prepped with a "spit shine." Why?
Is it all to impress others? Would an analyst decide that I have a need to impress? I don't think so. I think that I, and everyone else out there, have a need to feel good about myself, and sometimes just for myself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look good. You just have to at least try to do it for the right reasons.
I am not a big person. My genetics were kind enough to give me a petite build. I have never had major weight issues. I know that I am lucky in that regard. I have never really, really had to try to lose weight. After I was married for about a year, I gained some weight- not a huge number to some, but for a girl that is 5'2", a substantial amount. I hit the gym for the first time ever,(and still the only time), of my life. I got the weight off, but I didn't do it for me. I did it because at that point, I still cared what other people thought of me- A LOT.
This time around it is different. My husband accepts me either way. My friends accept me either way, but I want to know what it is like to be in shape, to actually have a fit healthy body. I want to know how it feels.
I don't think it is a matter of the number on the scale. Some women are satisfied and happy with their weight- no matter how high.
I took my kids to the YMCA pool today. I was introduced to a woman who is a very, very large woman. She looked good in her leopard print swimsuit that showed every roll and hundreds of pounds. How could she look good like that you might ask? Because you could tell that she felt good- she felt good because no matter her size, she was doing something to better herself. She was being active and trying. She was happy.
I want to feel that- feel good that I am making an effort to take care of the body that I have been given and to feel good that I am doing the best with what I have. Right now, I don't try- I eat wayyyyy too much candy. I sit on the couch and blog for wayyyyy too long and I don't eat wayyyy too many vegetables! What would it be like if I took care of not just my family, but myself too?
I know that I am not huge. I know that I don't have a lot to complain about. I know that if I buy the right shirts, no one would have a clue of the squishiness that lies beneath. Most of all, I know that I would like to feel good about myself- FOR ME. I want to sit down and not feel the leftover baby flubber roll over the top of my pants. I am pretty sure nobody else sees it, but I feel it. I want to look into my closet and be able to wear the clothes that are hanging there and feel good in them- not just wear them because they are what I have and I can't afford/am too cheap to get anything else. Are you following me hear? I want to make it clear that I am doing this to feel good- not to get whistled at- I can't lie though- that would be nice too! But, that isn't why I am doing it. I have never, in my entire life been in really good shape. I have never had a six pack. I have never tried. Can I master the muffin top?
If I actually try, can I do it? Will I be able to look in the mirror and have the satisfaction of seeing my effort pay off? I have a long ways to go and it is officially time to begin.
Feel free to leave your advice, your tips and your own stories.
Ready. Set. Go.
At least you have the excuse of "baby" flab =), mine's just plain "I eat way to much junk" flab. I agree, I have never been severly overweight but I have never been totally in awesome shape either. If this is a challenge I am on the bandwagon, if not I am doing with you anyways=). Here come the six packs (well, lets be realistic, probably not a six pack, but here's to no muffin tops!) And by the way, next week the body slimmer is totally coming out! =)
ReplyDeleteYou are AWESOME. Sometimes I think the HARDEST part of a solution is actually facing the skeletons in our closet! :) I am proud of ya!
ReplyDeleteI think it's great, and you should be proud of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI am eighty pounds heavier than I was when I got married 13 years ago, and I hate it. Obviously not enough to make any major, lasting changes, but it would be nice to get back to the size I used to be. (Then, I thought I was a cow. Now I'd be THRILLED to wear that size.)
I wish you the best on your journey. I know you can do it. :)
I hear you!! I have been exercising "religiously" for almost 2 months and didn't see any change...but after being on vacation for a week, I can tell that the flab is back...darn vacations! Anyway, I am going to make a constant effort to at least do situps here...sooo GOOD LUCK!! YOU CAN DO IT!
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to lie, I'm trying to get in shape partly because I care what people think about my appearance but ultimately so I will feel good about myself and prove that I can reach my goals. I know I'm not brave enough to display myself online in the many stages of chub I have gone through since having kids so I think you are awesome for having the guts to do it! And by the way, although you may be worried about your muffin top, your butt is looking killer in your jeans!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that, I have been the same way... but now I am just trying to get on a regular work out rountine, I don't personally care about losing the lbs I just want to be toned...get muscle?? So I've been getting up and walking in the mornings and even just doing that has helped me with energy...I really like what your doing, your blog is soo cute!
ReplyDeleteI practically could have written that post. I've been trying to figure out why I feel so driven to get to my ideal weight. Like you said, it isn't that I want to get whistled at, and I know that those around me accept and love me the way I am. But like you, I've never been really fit. The closest I ever came was in high school. I took a Physical Fitness class, which focused on weight training and cardio. I didn't lose any weight during that class (in fact, I think I weigh less now than I did at that point). But I looked and FELT so much better about myself than I ever had before, and ever have since! I want that for myself again - I want to be able to flex a muscle and see it! I want to sit down without the 2-pack of flab.
ReplyDeleteSo thanks for having the courage to post your picture, and for having the skill to put into words what I'm sure many of us are thinking and longing for. And thanks for giving me the renewed vision, and reason to keep going with my plan to get fit!
you hit so many major points with just one post. it takes me forever to actually put the things i feel and think into words. you did an amazing job. and thank you so much for your honesty!
ReplyDeleteas a quick intro, i'm brand new to your blog (i found it 1 day ago) and i'm already hooked! my name is jen and i'm 22 years old. i got married a little over a year ago and joined the blogging world a few months ago.
anyway! i completely agree with what you said about sometimes just needing to make ourselves look good in order to feel good. for example, if i run errands before showering or in raggy clothes or with just a lame ponytail in my hair...i don't feel confident and happy. instead i just feel the need to hurry up at the store and get back home where nobody can see me looking my worst.
for months and months i've been planning to completely revamp our nutrition (or lack thereof) and introduce veggies and fruits back into our home as well as get on track with running/yoga.
thanks for being so inspirational! i'm totally getting on it now!
Okay I feel really lame cause I always comment what seems like the same comments everytime I leave one!! My motivation for my weight loss a year ago was to get into great shape to get pregnant again! Can I just tell you Camille...I nev got down to my ideal weight before I got pregnant, but let me tell you...I feel like a rock star everyday cause I went to the gym. Not because Im a size 2 (especially not at 4 1/2 mos pregnant) but because Im taking care of ME! It takes a month or so of really sticking to it, but i am completely ADDICTED to it! If I miss 1 day I am not a fun lady to be around! But again it's not that someone compliments me on my progress that makes me feel great it's the fact that I actually feel great and I am taking care of myself! Do this for you cause you are worth it and your kids are too! Take care of yourself so you can better take care of them! I am again so excited for you cause you and I have similar body types and I got down to a fantastic size for pregnancy and am loving my pregnancy thus far (except my gynormous chest YUCK!) If you need any advice please please feel free to ask me, I have focussed a TON of my attention on this specific subject for a little over a year now and worked with a professional so I would love to pay it forward in any way cause I know how great it feels! Okay I am sorry this is WAY to long and Im done!! GOOD LUCK AGAIN!! You can do it!!!
ReplyDeleteWhen I HAD to get healthy (hardest challenge!) I couldn't believe how much better I felt - I had more energy, I slept better, I was happier (Julio mentioned many times). I don't have a scale in the house, so I don't know the effects of weight, but I haven't had chest pains since.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am not was diligent as when I started - let's face it we taking care of a household is 24/7. But I make it a point for 30 min. of workout, at least one glass of water - and I have cut out soda and my candy bars for breakfast. BABY STEPS!! But like I said chest pains gone - who cares about weight, as long as I can hang around long enough to see my kids grow.
I think you're wonderful for even posting it on the blog (and I would have opted for shirt on too). Before becoming pg again I had lost all of my previous baby weight plus some and felt great (and looked pretty good too). I know that I wasn't the slimmest girl in the pool (heck, getting IN the swimsuit and pool is still a little scary) but I felt so good. This pregnancy has actually been kinda hard on me b/c I'm gaining more weight than I personally think I should. I keep telling myself it's all for the baby and I'm watching what I'm eating, but you know how it is, you have an idea of your body and after working so hard to get it back, it's still a little hard. After this baby, I am SO with you though (especially since my HS reunion is next summer).
ReplyDeleteI've been exercising regularly since January this year and haven't changed much bodily. I need to quit eating so much junk. But, for the first time in my life, I'm appreciating how my body looks. I'd love it if it were much trimmer and healthier, but it's fine for now...
ReplyDeleteI kno whow you feel when it comes to the muffin top and loosing weight. I've never cared how much I weighed, but more of what size pants I could wear. Funny I know. After four kids, the six pack will never come back. I love to go to the gym, and plus if I eat bad that day, it just canceles it out right? :) I maybe weigh myself every couple of weeks at the gym, I don't even own a scale. I do have a comfession to make.... I've only been to the gym 2 times since I ran my marathon two and a half weeks ago. I've been really bad, and I can feel it. I've go to get back to it for a 10k I'm doing in July, and a 7 mile climb the moutain uphill run/walk in August. So I'm back on the bandwagon, and going to work on my muffin top!! Just remember if you are lifting weights muscle weighs more than fat, so don't be shocked if you loose nothing or gain a few. :) Good luck to everyone!!!
ReplyDeleteI have always struggled with being overweight. At 5'2" and almost 200 pounds, it is really hard to feel good about myself. I lost 25 recently, and then put it right back on with candy and junk. Your post really touched some spots I needed to hear. Why do I feel pressure to be thin? Why do I get so depressed that I am not and haven't been since 16? I need to find the reason for ME, like wanting to get pregnant as another poster said. So, I applaud your muffin top pic, and your efforts to take care of yourself not because you want to impress society but because you want to be happy. Good luck, and here's to feeling good!
ReplyDeleteHi, first time here. I enjoyed your honesty and transparency. You go, Girl.
ReplyDeleteYou seriously are amazing! I feel so honored to be your friend! I have felt the same way for months! I think it's hard, because about 8 months ago I felt so good about myself, my weight, my body... and then we started infertility meds. I don't know if I'm trying to blame the meds, or if I'm a bit depressed about the whole thing... but I know that when you feel good physically, you feel better about everything.. life in general!
ReplyDeleteI found your blog thru a friend of mine - and this post brought tears to my eyes. I was thinking about posting my weight goals on my blog about a month ago...I thought it would keep me motivated. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who WANTS to be more skinny, but can't stop my addiction to candy and junk. I'm ultra sad about the way I look but that sadness doesn't seem to be low enough for me to stop eating the junk!
ReplyDeleteI find it hard to exercise with a one and two year old. They are constantly tugging at my legs and crying if I'm not playing with them. Money doesn't allow for a guym membership with child care.
To be honest, I'm not wanting the change only for myself. Maybe that would be "right" but I want more then anything to be skinny again so my husband will look at ME. Why do they think we can't see them looking at other women? They aren't very discrete are they? :) I refuse to vacation anywhere that has a beach. I couldn't handle the emotional blow of watching my husband stare at the MANY perfect (non child baring) bodies. I cannot compete with that - but the sorrow of wishing I could runs deep. Thanks for the added motivation to shape up. I will have to keep up with your progress! :)